honeymoon fear factor

grab some coffee, this is a long 'un.

let's take a journey.  i am going to tell you a little story about THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.  first of all, read through this post about oahu's haiku stairs, aka the stairway to heaven



(mr. unrealhawaii's picture of the stairs)

doesn't that sound adventurous and exciting?  not even scary ... just mildly unsettling, right?  incorrect, readers.  this hike is beyond terrifying.  i am not exaggerating - i was honest to god afraid for the safety of my life for most of the climb.  i quote mr. unrealhawaii: "it's not treacherous or anything."  are you on crack?  also:  "Haiku Stairs isn’t the most difficult hike on the island..."  oh really?  what is?  free soloing up a butter-drenched licorice rope hanging from a cloud?  is there another set of death stairs that's upside down and you must defy gravity while chimpanzees throw whole pineapples at your face?  please tell me, sir awesome, what's harder than this wicked stairmaster from dante's inferno??!



(here's me. this still doesn't convey how steep it was.)



so today started at 4 a.m.  we woke up early because according to our sources, the guard (this hike is illegal) mans his post (scott, i know you've got at least 3 jokes for this line) around 6 a.m.  just for fun, we find out later from a local guy that the guard actually gets there around 9 a.m.  we parked in the nearby neighborhood and set off on a mini-adventure to actually find the stairs in the first place.  we slipped, slid, and slithered through mud, bamboo forests, and under fences to finally reach stair #1 at 5:33 a.m.  i would give anything to travel through time to my 5:32 a.m. self this morning and say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! stop!!"

so we started climbing.  i think my fight or flight instinct kicked in on or around stair #22 (there are 4,000 stairs).  it was dark for the entire climb.  this actually helped a bit because i couldn't see off to the sides of the stairs where the mountain ridge dropped off like a thousand feet.  i can't even describe all the most horrifying parts of this experience.  the stairway is so narrow that two people cannot pass.  whenever someone wanted to get by us, we had to find a place where there actually was a little ground to the side of the stairs, then duck under the railing and hang off the side to let others by.  so that's how narrow it was.



(this is how i felt.  times a grillion.)



according to the blog i linked above, the "stairs" are veerrryy stair-like and just a little steep in some places.  LIAR!!!!  logan and i completed the first half of the stairs and we both agree that about 85% of the first half is so steep that it's like a ladder.  in fact, about 20% of the first half is exactly like a ladder.  you can't even grab the railing because the "stairs" are completely vertical.  on these vertical portions, guess what's below you?  nothing.  for about 100 feet.  have you ever climbed up a 100 foot ladder with no ropes or anchor devices?  have you done it in the rain?!

so this is the chillingly paralyzing best part: it starts raining while we are ascending one of the completely vertical sections!  i wouldn't call it a sprinkle or a mist, i would call it a smite shower from god.  yes, i was arrogant enough to think that i could accomplish a feat like the haiku stairs and god smited me. all the way to the top.  seriously though, there was a point where i was clinging to these old, world war 2 battle ship stairs, standing straight up on a vertical ladder with nothing below me and only deepening terror above me.  and at this point, the rain poured down.  i laid my head against the step i was clutching and just stood there. 



(this angle makes the stairs seem like they are just really small; actually it's so steep that the bottom inch of this photo probably represents about a 15-foot drop.)



yall, i couldn't do anything. 

i couldn't go down because it was dark and rainy and  misty and we couldn't see anything.  i couldn't go up because i was too petrified to move a muscle and every motion was nauseatingly slippery.  i am not joking or exaggerating or in any way trying to be funny.  i truly believed there was a chance i would die.  but what do you do?  i had to keep climbing upward :(



(logan at the first summit.)



around 6:30 a.m. logan and i reached the first summit and sole resting spot for the entire first half of the stairs.  i think logan was just as afraid as i was - the rain really did us in.  the death frosting on this cake of terror was when we reached the summit, we didn't even get a view!  GAAHHH!!!!!!!!!  after all that stress and anxiety and physical torture, we didn't even get a view.  the rain clouds were hanging all around us so we could hardly see.

we only rested for 5 or 10 minutes and immediately began the descent.  we were both sick with fear and wanted nothing more than to get the down climb over with.  thankfully the rain stopped but the stairs and railing was still incredibly slimy, muddy, and perilous.  we vowed to one another that we would take 3 hours to get down if we had to because we would descend as slowly as possible.  we went down backwards because the stairs were so sheer and slippery that going face-forwarded yielded too great a danger of losing balance and falling forward.  the really bad part is that, at this point, the sun had popped up and shed light on what we were really doing. 

o. m. g.



(see where the stairs "disappear?" that's one of the vertical drop-offs.)

this was so bad.  in order to see where to place my foot, i had to look down.  readers, stand up for a second.  now look down at your feet.  imagine that your foot from your toe almost to your heel is on an old rickety stair; and riiiiiight behind your heel you see a significant drop into open space.  looking straight down, you can't even see the next stair.  you have to slowly lower one foot into the open air and feel for the next step down.  then you do this about a hundred more times until you reach a slightly more level section where you can lean into the stairs while your legs quiver violently.

after an hour and a half of absolute horror, we finally saw the gate that marked the beginning of this colossal, miscalculated mistake.  i was so happy to get back safely that i almost cried.  i had tears in my eyes.  logan admitted that he was pretty terrified as well, but that he was mostly very upset at how afraid i was.  this is why i love him so much.  when we got to the bottom, it was written all over his face (and hugs) how distressed he was over being unable to calm my fear.  there really was nothing anyone could do, our only choice was to climb back down the way we came, but i could tell how deeply it tore at logan that he couldn't keep me from all this fear.  a very emotional day!

i spouted jubilant hallelujas all the way back to the car and we actually made it back to our hotel by 9:30 a.m. - just in time to snag some free breakfast.  it was a little funny to walk in to breakfast quasi-early in the morning and be covered in mud.  we got stares.




we enjoyed a really nice rest of the day by napping, watching some tv, listening to the ocean from our balcony, walking along waikiki beach, observing happy hour, eating sushi, and lying in the grass watching a free hawaiian music/hula dance show near our hotel.



one last quote from mr. unrealhawaii:  "overall, the hike is very doable." no, davidchat, your mother is doable.  the stairs are impossible!