last day in paradise

how did the last day arrive so soon?

we woke up early, packed up our one carry-on bag (this took around 7 minutes, give or take), ate free breakfast one more time, and printed our boarding passes.  and then a really long day commenced.

(this is how quiet we were in the prius hybrid.)

we saved several dry activities for the last day so we would be comfortable on the plane.  as i had learned earlier in the week, dried saltwater is sticky and smelly after a few hours!  logan was really looking forward to visiting the uss arizona memorial at pearl harbor so we blocked out about 3 hours thursday morning to explore this world war II site.  all of our guidebooks and even locals said to expect a 2-3 hour wait.  as it turned out, parking the car took the longest at around 30 minutes!  this was pretty funny because we creeped around the parking lot while trying not to act like we're stalking people.  logan said we were super ninja because we were silently rolling along in a hybrid, quiet as a mouse sleeping on a cotton ball.  yes, we were almost invisible except that cars are about 20 times larger than humans.

(atomic bomb = so scary!)

i like visiting historic museums with logan because he somehow knows everything about everything, so tours are like having my own personal docent.  he told me all about world war II and explained the history of nuclear bombs.

we saw the sunken arizona and learned about the events of december 7, 1941.  one of the coolest things about the pearl harbor memorial is that there were a couple of survivors walking around!  we spoke with a very elderly fellow named allen who was on another ship close the the arizona when it was bombed.  it was amazing to actually speak to someone with firsthand experience - one day this will no longer be possible!

after pearl harbor, we cruised over to chinatown to take in the sights.  because of hawaii's polynesian and asian influence, the chinatown in honolulu is pretty authentic.  there were tons of lei shops, markets with kinda scary meat-looking things that i didn't want to investigate, and, yay!, bakeries!  the chinese bakeries were really neat because their idea of sweets is so different from american culture.  sweets in chinatown consisted of fruit cakes, almond cookies, fig pastries, and moon cakes.  okaaaayy, okay, it was kinda yucky.  i think part of my disappointment was that i was expecting pound cake with syrup filling, dipped in doughnut icing, with powdered sugar and chocolate on top.  i'm american, guilty :-/

(chinese wedding cake on the left, black sugar moon cake on the right.  i tried to love it, i really did.)

(THIS is what i wanted)

what i was really looking for were those delicious chinese sugar biscuits that you get at asian buffets.  the fried, doughy ones with sugar on top.  i was very sad because they were nowhere to be found in chinatown, which makes me think they are only make-believe asian.  gah!!  i thought i was super cultured because i love those things.

after chinatown, we started searching for some really good hawaii coffee. they kind they served at our hotel was douwe egberts and might just be the best coffee i've ever had!  farmers of hawaii produce incredibly aromatic coffee and they do so with utmost care.  any coffee you see that is labeled "100% kona" was grown, hand picked, and hand roasted in hawaii.  we finally found a kona coffee shop and my beverage was top notch.

(diamond head crater)

so here's the saddest part of our trip.  we saved the hike up oahu's diamond head crater for our last day.  this is the most iconic feature of the island of oahu, probably second only to waikiki beach itself.  the view from diamond head crater is breathtaking!  or so i hear.  yep, we drove up diamond head road on our way to the trail head, totally siked about finally doing one of the coolest hikes in the world, and it was closed.

uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

so sad.  we still drove all the way up to the parking lot to ask the attendant if all 3 of the giant yellow "hike closed" signs really meant it.  we were totally bummed, mostly because this hike is so famous, and just a little because, at this point, we had 8 hours to kill until our flight at 11 p.m.  what else could we do?  we went to a convenience store and bought ice creams and sat out on the beach.  this actually worked out very nicely in the end because we got to say farewell to waikiki beach under the best sunset i've ever seen.

we grabbed some dinner at california pizza kitchen then got outta dodge.  all good things come to an end, which is quite alright because you wouldn't appreciate the good things if they weren't fleeting.  this was officially the best week of my life!

wait until a wave comes, then you jump

(logan climbing in waimea bay.)

another super enjoyable day!  i think logan and i have done a great job of making this honeymoon fun and exciting without being redundant.  each day seems very different. 

we started today in search of some good old rock climbing.  it's been more than a week since logan's climbed so, you know, his head is about to fall off or something.  we cruised over to waimea bay on the north shore and i watched some sweet waves and surfers while logan bouldered along a giant rock.  we noticed some crazies jumping off one of the cliffs into the ocean.  the drop didn't seem too bad at about 20 feet above the water so, duh. logan had to do it, too.  he jumped in, no prob, and so did lots of other dudes. 

(fearless!  jumping off a cliff.)

i must have had my big girl panties on today because i thought "well darnit, i did the haiku stairs yesterday.  i can jump off a rock into some water!" 

what is wrong with me.  yall, i am afraid of the garbage can when it starts to smell a little.  i get nervous walking up stairs with too many groceries in my hand because i think i'm going to fall.  i have got to be about one heart palpitation away from being a clinical over-worrier.  so why do i keep doing these irrational things that are outrageously out of character??

i'm at a loss.  i must have some craving to prove to myself that i'm still years away from having to check myself in to a mental health clinic.  case in point:  i just spent a paragraph worrying about how much i worry.

(look closely, you can see me screaming)

anway, so i climb up the rock to take a little looksee and shock and dismay are two for two this week.  i held my breath, looked straight out (not 'down,' this is key), and left the rock.  i screamed all the way down, hit the water, and bobbed to the top.  didn't like it.

after the impromptu cliff jumping, we went in search of giant sea turtles over at turtle beach.  this was pretty funny/embarassing because we walked out onto the rocky shore and kept looking, straining our eyes, and saying "i don't see any .. they're supposed to be everywhere?"  guess what turtle shells look like?  giant rocks!  there were two huge turtles napping about 3 feet in front of us on the sand!  they were a boy and a girl so i decided that they are married and i named them manny and estelle.  manny sleeps a lot and estelle likes to body surf when the water comes up high.  i caught them kissing!  cutest ever.  logan said manny was actually trying to eat estelle's face, but that's not nearly as romantic as them kissing.

(manny and estelle <3 )

we stopped and got a couple more shave ices - these things are better than ice cream!  kinda like sno cones, only way better.  i got blueberry coconut cream, mmmmmmmmmmm.  we walked around a shopped a bit and i found the neatest hawaii dress to wear to dinner!  so cute. 

we spent the afternoon out on waikiki beach.  the water here is like a bathtub!  calm and comfortably warm.  logan signed up for some surf lessons and i opted to try the stand up paddle boarding.  this is where you get what basically looks like a thick surfboard and you stand up on it and cruise around with a paddle.  i had no luck standing up so i just sat on it kayak-style and puttered around thusly.  well this was just super.  i absolutely loved floating around the bay of waikiki watching all the surfers up close and riding a few waves myself.  logan got reallllyyyy tired, as one does when paddling against waves for an hour.  so here logan was, out of breath and exhausted, soaking wet, and floating up to me: "why aren't you surfing?"  i am dry from the waist up and perched happily atop my surfboard, cruising all over the place: "umm, i AM surfing."  hello!  i was on a surfboard bobbing up and down.  that's "surfing" from what i can tell about the athletes on waikiki beach.  plus my hair stayed cute while doing it.



(view from our table at dinner)



we paid our respects to happy hour, as usual, then went to dinner at the house without a key at the halekulani hotel.  logan gave this place five stars!  he said the food was fantastic, the music was fabulous, and the service and atmosphere were wonderful and inviting.  this place wins for best meal of the trip - logan had the seared ahi with creamy pesto pasta.  readers - this is worth a trip to the middle of the pacific.  the band played lots of hawaiian music and also some hawaiian versions of christmas songs!  very fun, indeed.

(such a romantic evening!  look at my pretty dress!  and when i went to get my hair flower for the evening, flower lady gave us two leis because i come every night :)

honeymoon fear factor

grab some coffee, this is a long 'un.

let's take a journey.  i am going to tell you a little story about THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.  first of all, read through this post about oahu's haiku stairs, aka the stairway to heaven



(mr. unrealhawaii's picture of the stairs)

doesn't that sound adventurous and exciting?  not even scary ... just mildly unsettling, right?  incorrect, readers.  this hike is beyond terrifying.  i am not exaggerating - i was honest to god afraid for the safety of my life for most of the climb.  i quote mr. unrealhawaii: "it's not treacherous or anything."  are you on crack?  also:  "Haiku Stairs isn’t the most difficult hike on the island..."  oh really?  what is?  free soloing up a butter-drenched licorice rope hanging from a cloud?  is there another set of death stairs that's upside down and you must defy gravity while chimpanzees throw whole pineapples at your face?  please tell me, sir awesome, what's harder than this wicked stairmaster from dante's inferno??!



(here's me. this still doesn't convey how steep it was.)



so today started at 4 a.m.  we woke up early because according to our sources, the guard (this hike is illegal) mans his post (scott, i know you've got at least 3 jokes for this line) around 6 a.m.  just for fun, we find out later from a local guy that the guard actually gets there around 9 a.m.  we parked in the nearby neighborhood and set off on a mini-adventure to actually find the stairs in the first place.  we slipped, slid, and slithered through mud, bamboo forests, and under fences to finally reach stair #1 at 5:33 a.m.  i would give anything to travel through time to my 5:32 a.m. self this morning and say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! stop!!"

so we started climbing.  i think my fight or flight instinct kicked in on or around stair #22 (there are 4,000 stairs).  it was dark for the entire climb.  this actually helped a bit because i couldn't see off to the sides of the stairs where the mountain ridge dropped off like a thousand feet.  i can't even describe all the most horrifying parts of this experience.  the stairway is so narrow that two people cannot pass.  whenever someone wanted to get by us, we had to find a place where there actually was a little ground to the side of the stairs, then duck under the railing and hang off the side to let others by.  so that's how narrow it was.



(this is how i felt.  times a grillion.)



according to the blog i linked above, the "stairs" are veerrryy stair-like and just a little steep in some places.  LIAR!!!!  logan and i completed the first half of the stairs and we both agree that about 85% of the first half is so steep that it's like a ladder.  in fact, about 20% of the first half is exactly like a ladder.  you can't even grab the railing because the "stairs" are completely vertical.  on these vertical portions, guess what's below you?  nothing.  for about 100 feet.  have you ever climbed up a 100 foot ladder with no ropes or anchor devices?  have you done it in the rain?!

so this is the chillingly paralyzing best part: it starts raining while we are ascending one of the completely vertical sections!  i wouldn't call it a sprinkle or a mist, i would call it a smite shower from god.  yes, i was arrogant enough to think that i could accomplish a feat like the haiku stairs and god smited me. all the way to the top.  seriously though, there was a point where i was clinging to these old, world war 2 battle ship stairs, standing straight up on a vertical ladder with nothing below me and only deepening terror above me.  and at this point, the rain poured down.  i laid my head against the step i was clutching and just stood there. 



(this angle makes the stairs seem like they are just really small; actually it's so steep that the bottom inch of this photo probably represents about a 15-foot drop.)



yall, i couldn't do anything. 

i couldn't go down because it was dark and rainy and  misty and we couldn't see anything.  i couldn't go up because i was too petrified to move a muscle and every motion was nauseatingly slippery.  i am not joking or exaggerating or in any way trying to be funny.  i truly believed there was a chance i would die.  but what do you do?  i had to keep climbing upward :(



(logan at the first summit.)



around 6:30 a.m. logan and i reached the first summit and sole resting spot for the entire first half of the stairs.  i think logan was just as afraid as i was - the rain really did us in.  the death frosting on this cake of terror was when we reached the summit, we didn't even get a view!  GAAHHH!!!!!!!!!  after all that stress and anxiety and physical torture, we didn't even get a view.  the rain clouds were hanging all around us so we could hardly see.

we only rested for 5 or 10 minutes and immediately began the descent.  we were both sick with fear and wanted nothing more than to get the down climb over with.  thankfully the rain stopped but the stairs and railing was still incredibly slimy, muddy, and perilous.  we vowed to one another that we would take 3 hours to get down if we had to because we would descend as slowly as possible.  we went down backwards because the stairs were so sheer and slippery that going face-forwarded yielded too great a danger of losing balance and falling forward.  the really bad part is that, at this point, the sun had popped up and shed light on what we were really doing. 

o. m. g.



(see where the stairs "disappear?" that's one of the vertical drop-offs.)

this was so bad.  in order to see where to place my foot, i had to look down.  readers, stand up for a second.  now look down at your feet.  imagine that your foot from your toe almost to your heel is on an old rickety stair; and riiiiiight behind your heel you see a significant drop into open space.  looking straight down, you can't even see the next stair.  you have to slowly lower one foot into the open air and feel for the next step down.  then you do this about a hundred more times until you reach a slightly more level section where you can lean into the stairs while your legs quiver violently.

after an hour and a half of absolute horror, we finally saw the gate that marked the beginning of this colossal, miscalculated mistake.  i was so happy to get back safely that i almost cried.  i had tears in my eyes.  logan admitted that he was pretty terrified as well, but that he was mostly very upset at how afraid i was.  this is why i love him so much.  when we got to the bottom, it was written all over his face (and hugs) how distressed he was over being unable to calm my fear.  there really was nothing anyone could do, our only choice was to climb back down the way we came, but i could tell how deeply it tore at logan that he couldn't keep me from all this fear.  a very emotional day!

i spouted jubilant hallelujas all the way back to the car and we actually made it back to our hotel by 9:30 a.m. - just in time to snag some free breakfast.  it was a little funny to walk in to breakfast quasi-early in the morning and be covered in mud.  we got stares.




we enjoyed a really nice rest of the day by napping, watching some tv, listening to the ocean from our balcony, walking along waikiki beach, observing happy hour, eating sushi, and lying in the grass watching a free hawaiian music/hula dance show near our hotel.



one last quote from mr. unrealhawaii:  "overall, the hike is very doable." no, davidchat, your mother is doable.  the stairs are impossible!