i think the term "jaded" is a little strong ...

on tuesday night this week, i started a volunteer training class for a local nonprofit organization where i hope to soon donate my time and skillz that killz.

now, we have all at some point participated in a training class, meeting, seminar, etc.  no matter the location or subject, every time a group of people gather to learn or meet, there are a few characters who make us all want to ball up our fists and pound the table like an angry, crazed baboon.

in an effort to control our collective rage, i've created an index of these annoying people so we can all try to spot them right away and at the very least, sit far away from them.


nerve-nettler number 1:  the super mom

this woman treats my nerves like a giant block of

parmesan cheeseand grates them until they're crumbs.

how to spot:  super mom has a super bob haircut that bounces irritatingly every time she swings her head back and forth to see who's watching her.  she often has a matronly appearance with mom-jeans and school-printed sweatshirts, but carries oddly expensive accessories like a coach purse. in the winter, her jesus necklace hangs delicately out of the front cuff of her turtleneck.  cold - yes; unable to show love for jesus - NEVER.

profile:  this syrupy sweet supermom certainly doesn't have time for a job!  she's busy making appearances at target, lunch, and her kids' carpool pickup lane.  she subtly tells you what a great volunteer/humanitarian she is, how much her kids adore her, and how often she exercises while sprinkling in phrases of "it's really nothing!" and "it's so easy!"  gayer than a gay man, supermom's favorite saying is "everything's juss-greaaaat!  life is juss-greaaaaat!  lunch today was juss-greaaaat!"

why you hate her in meetings:  first of all, she chuckles constantly while rolling her head around to look at everyone in the room.  the presenter will say something generic like "well now that i've had enough coffee i suppose we can begin" and supermom is all "teeheeheeehahahahahalalaharhar"  BARFFFF SHUT UP!!!!!!!  she also looks for every opportunity to bring up her kids.

presenter: "for example, if you're a parent and your child comes home from school and says 'i hate my teacher' you might react a certain way..."

supermom: simultaneously raises hand and starts talking "oh THAT has happened to US before because my little Buffy came home one day and it was just a sight, i tell you what, but i tell you what i did - i got down to HER eye-level, that's important you know, and we just talked about it right then and there and ..."

shut uuuuuuuuppppppppp!  we all hate your kids!  and buffy/mango/beechwood/valentine is a stupid name for a child!

you know she's on speed.

nerve-nettler number 2:  the veteran

how to spot:  if he doesn't have his cape on, don't worry, you can still quickly pinpoint this one by the ever-present vainglorious look on his face.

profile:  the veteran has already taken the training, used to be in charge, or had some otherwise past importance.  he loves to tell you things you already know with a little smirking smile as though whatever he's sharing with you will quietly resonate in your brain and forever change your life.

"the early bird ... [dramatic pause] catches the worm......."

he likes to pop his head in the room periodically to spout these little nuggets of wisdom, then fade away like a phantom philosopher, congratulating himself on taking a moment to help educate these poor, mentally challenged imps in the training class.

why you hate him in meetings:  for some reason, the veteran has deluded himself into thinking that he has some rare, mythical knowledge when in reality, it's what we call common sense.  he's not actually part of the meeting/training, but he likes to sit in on them in order to perpetuate his own self-importance.  this actually happened in my training:

speaker:  "let me start by giving you all a little history of this organization..."

[veteran noisily enters room and stands at the back]

speaker:  "we began in 1985 with a purpose for.."

[veteran sighs loudly and smiles]

speaker:  "over the last two decades, we have grown to become..."

veteran:  "bonnie, can i interrupt you for just a moment?  greatthanks.  i would like to thank everyone for being here today, this is truly a great organization."

speaker:  "thank you, bert, for saying that.  now-"

veteran:  "would you like me to say a few words?"

speaker: "well-"

veteran: "i started volunteering here about a year ago blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

oh a year ago?!  why, you should have said so!  a whole year of twice-a-month experience?  gosh why aren't YOU running the training class?  oh wait, i guess if they wanted you to run it, you'd be running it.  please leave.  and less noisily this time.

nerve-nettler number 3:  miss i-dare-you-to-tell-me-i'm-wrong

i have no explanation for why she
dresses like a tranny.

how to spot:  she has a permanently raised eyebrow, poised for rebuttal at a moment's notice.  her lips are pursed so tightly that (during the meeting) you gaze at her and wonder if she eats and drinks everything through a straw...

profile:  this diva of defense would call herself a strong, independent woman.  not "kelly clarkson" independent, more like "real policewomen of dallas" independent.  she delivers every statement with accusation and a chicken neck.

why you hate her in meetings:  this specimen is especially excruciating to endure during informational, "housekeeping" types of gatherings.  a couple of times a year your supervisor calls a staff meeting to remind everyone to wash their coffee cup right after they use it or something else incredibly ordinary and routine.

supervisor:  "so, everyone, let's just remember that we work in a communal space..."

tranny:  "WHAT? WHAT IF I WANT ANOTHER CUPPA COAFFEE IN JUST A LITTLE WHYLE? YOU GONNA TELL ME I GOTTA WASH MY CUP TEN TYMES A DAY??  I AIN'T DOIN THAT.  YOU GONNA COME OVA HEE-YA AND TELL ME THAT? I DON'T THINK SO."

(new jersey accent?)

nerve-nettler number 4:  the i-know-the-person-presenting

kinda turned out like Quagmire.

how to spot:  during the mingle time just before a meeting begins, he's the guy making the most rounds trying to talk to as many people as possible before the presentation begins.  before he's silenced, he needs to make sure everyone knows that he knows the person presenting today.

profile:  whether he saw the presenter a few weeks ago at their kids' soccer game, works in the same department with the presenter, or had lunch with the presenter on his first day two years ago, this politician wants to go tell it on the mountain that he has a slightly more personal relationship with the presenter than you do.

why you hate him in meetings:  he laughs at random things the presenter says, as though they have some private, hilarious joke that he wishes he could share but, sorry, you weren't hanging out with them at the time.  and if the presenter needs any small assistance such as distributing handouts or flipping the lights, mr. i-know-the-presenter will use this opportunity to demonstrate how he and the presenter have first-name familiarity.

mrs. pinkins:  "now we'll move to a brief power point, can someone hit the lights?"

politician: [practically trips on himself running to the wall]  "oh, JAN, i've got that for ya, JAN."  [whispers loudly] "let me know if you need anything else, JAN."

mrs. pinkins:  "sometimes a graph is helpful in showing our quarterly numbers..."

politician:  [nodding and laughing]  "hahah .. oooooh.. ha .. know what you mean..."

nerve-nettler number 5:  the insipid inquirer

how to spot:  pens.  she has one. million. pens.  they're spilling out of her pockets and folders.

profile:  god, she's everywhere.  at every meeting and training, in class, in front of you in line at the store.  if there's a painfully simple or obvious way to do something, don't worry, she'll ask just to make sure.

why you hate her in meetings:  she literally turns back time.  her questions are so disgustingly inane that you writhe inside your very skin as the enraged shrieking in your head blurs your vision.

in a work benefits meeting, "should i fill out form 27-G in blue or black ink?  will my benefits change if i use one or the other?" (thanks mom).

in the Gap, "this red sweater is a 'small' but i need a 'medium,' are they still the same price?"

and my personal favorite .. the "what if some people...?"  the inquirer prefaces questions this way thinking that she is speaking for many people in the room who surely have the same concern/conflict. THEY DON'T.

in a staff meeting, "what if some people want to keep their grumpy kitten coffee cup on the left side of the sink?  instead of the far left?"

well that is one hell of an epidemic concern.  EVERYONE must be thinking that.  so glad she asked and as a by-product, made this meeting last another three and a half hours.

the insipid inquirer is a double-agent because she also plays the frenzied note-taker.  she writes down every. single. thing. the presenter says.  as her pens scratches furiously on the paper, you feel like an invisible nail is scratching furiously at your entire nervous system.

presenter: "empathetic listening is important for volunteers..."

[scratching]  ... empathetic ... listening ... is ... important ...


presenter:  "the bathrooms are located down that hall ..."

[scratching] ...they ... have ... bathrooms ... here  ... 

OH i forgot!  this is what i made out of pipe cleaners to help preserve my sanity the other night during training:

the science of eating and acting

logan + submarine = <3

on sunday morning we set out for the museum of science and industry.  we took a bus down there because the metro doesn't reach that area, but the bus turned out to be a great method of transportation that also allows you to see much of the city!  we passed lake michigan so that was neat; it really does look like a beach!  a beach covered in snow and ice for sure, but a beach nonetheless.

before our trip, i browsed through the website for the museum of science and industry and developed the sneaky suspicion that logan was going to go out of his mind with excitement over this place.  in one large, labyrinthine building lies the original U-505 submarine (verdammt Deutschen!) from world war II, an airplane + exhibit, a space exhibit, a display of future technologies, storm science, how bodies and brains work, and the largest model train set known to man.  obviously this was a hugely revealing day for me, too, because i got to see what the inside of logan's head must look like!

stupid sinking submarine

we found a cool simulation game in the sub exhibit and carolyn and i tried our hand at driving a submarine.  we sank.  logan and scott didn't sink theirs, but they didn't have as much pressure as carolyn and i did.  it was mildly distressing intense!

we continued on to learn about baby chicks hatching, how brains, planes, and storms work, and did a little tai chi.  logan's excitement continued to build until i knew we were reaching a dangerous level.

be good, baby chickies!
you will be really yummy one day.

you know how small children run around with that look of pure wonder and awe on their sweet little faces?  they run from one activity to another trying to take it all in.  they simultaneously want to see everything inside the museum but also stretch the experience out so the fun lasts and lasts...

precious little children basking in a world of imagination-come-to-life

aren't they adorable?  logan mows them down like bowling pins.

he was cracking me up!  he almost acts like the children are his age and they better move over, get in the back, or wait their turn.  this isn't a museum of exploration, it's NO-MERCY LEARNING!

all the playing really worked up our appetites so we headed to pizzeria uno for a warm, melty, belly-busting lunch.  chicago might be on to something here with this deep dish pizza!  the four of us could order one medium pie and cheese bread and we would all leave feeling stuffed to the rafters.  i may or may not have also developed a deep-dish stomach so, all in all, it's probably better that no one in alabama can make pizza like that!

i am currently working up a more in-depth compare/contrast essay (including a sophisticated, patented TastyScale rating) highlighting the features of both uno's and giordano's pizza.  i'll post that later.

floating hand demonstration: the appearance of caring.

since we love food so much, we left uno's and proceeded to investigate the whereabouts of an alleged "hershey's store" that we keep "hearing about."  well this was just a little slice of heaven!  ceiling to floor, full of hershey's candy, the store also had a little bakery with devilish-looking cupcakes and other treats.  we also got to wear some nifty hats so that everyone would know how serious we are about chocolate.

for dessert, we went to portillo's at my friend samantha's suggestion and had chocolate cake milkshakes.  this brought my calorie consumption for the day up to a nice, round thirty thousand.  cold, creamy, and just thin enough to make its way through a straw, this shake was blended perfection. i will say that cookout in north carolina still produces the best shake i've ever had, but i owe it to myself as a fat kid consumer to periodically sample the competition.

sunday night we had tickets to the show "spoiler alert: everybody dies" at the second city theater.  the second city is where lots of famous folks got their start - Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey, Jim Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, etc.

you also know you're in for a good show at a theater that frames all their hate mail and hangs it on the wall.

our seats were in the veeery front row - as in i was resting my elbow on the stage!  pretty crowded, but great seats.  we ordered a couple of pitchers and watched a fantastic show.  this was way funnier than saturday night live!  i swear i did not stop laughing the whole time.  this show alone is worth traveling to chicago for, i promise.  find yourself some tickets here and get yourself up there!  if i can bear the cold, you definitely can.

noooo, i don't wanna go on stage! nooooooooo!

so here's a fun tidbit: at the end of the show, the actors had a little improv section.  for one skit, one of the actors grabbed some accessories from the audience (audience guy, why did you have a pack of tiny screws in your pocket?  that's weird) and did a little scene.  then one of the actors had written his own "play" and needed readers.  as horrible murphy's law luck would have it, the actor guy picked me to come on stage.  in front of everyone.  in the whole theater.  and instead of picked, it's more like he grabbed my arm and said i had to while everyone in the world was staring at me.

uuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhh.

i've been drinking some greenish-brown stuff that makes me left eye close (that one's for you, katie!) for over an hour, so yeah, i guess that does seems like the ideal time to try and read small print under blinding lights on a stage in front of a hundred people.  i would say i was humiliated by the experience, but i don't recall a whole ton of what happened up there.

me, tall guy, old guy

what i do remember is the "play" basically being me and two guys and everyone was supposed to make out with each other between each line.  well when the actor guy read the stage directions "woman makes out with man" i looked over at him and indignantly stated "yall!  i am married!"  so tall guy kinda hugs me and acts like we're kissing.  that would have been uncomfortable enough if some creeper in the audience hadn't continued to shout "make out!!! maaake ooouuuuuuuuuuttt!"

from what i gather from my travel buddies, i apparently became confused because the actor guy went off stage while we were suppose to keep reading the script, so i stepped back to look off stage and asked what he was doing.  i successfully butchered the crap out of this improv bit.  judge me if you will, but when saturday night live calls me up to tell me never to come back to chicago you'll know i'm a star.

at this point, the crazy carl saga begins.  oh what a night!  oh and that creeper yelling from the audience?  that was logan.

i'm not crazy, buuuuut......

ok so i will provide the full extent of today's events at a later point, but this is worth immediate cyber disbursement.  after our second city improv show tonight, we were lucky ... nay, blessed ... to receive the kind encounter with our new friend and mentor in life, crazy carl.  we knew he was a kindred spirit when he approached logan, scott, and carolyn with the glorious and humbly honest first words "i'm not crazy, but..."

this is kinda what crazy carl looked like.

crazy carl was in a thuper therious predicament where he felt he could turn to no one.  luckily for him, there were three southern strangers standing on the street and he knew he could win their hearts.   he was being followed by over 200 people (we're not sure who) who were watching him (or from what vantage point) and would not let him leave.  there was a significant reference to a key that was deeply coveted by the irish because they were trying to take over the vatican.  though crazy carl claimed there was no arrest warrant, he says that he can trust no one.  he whipped out his portfolio to share with logan and, jesus, correct me if i'm wrong, his portfolio included mangled writings and BUBBLE WRAP.  there were also manila envelopes and other "important documentation."

scott's account:  i tried to convince him that we needed to leave to purchase bus tickets.  logan was trying to get him to leave us alone, but i felt it was way more fun and good for carl's mental health to plant the seed that yes, indeed, unknown strangers are absolutely watching him.  it's midnight on a gospel sunday, what more could i do than validate crazy carl's ridiculously unfounded claims.  i led carl into the nearest walgreens where i suspected we might have the good fortune of encountering a security camera.  carl glimpsed a video of himself and said stoically, "they are watching us."  

[with a solemn face] scott:  "carl, they are watching you right now.  see? they have you on camera!  you need to get out of here.  head for the lake.  i can distract them - we can be decoys for you so you can get out of here"  

carl:  "where should i go?  north? south? east? west?  THEY CAN FOLLOW ME!  TO THE LAKE!  can you spot me some bus fare?"

the bus driver gently let carl down about his ambitions to travel to lake michigan.  thought i watched over carl like a sentry, i ditched the bus ASAfP because i thought carl might choke me. or something.

 other highlights of tonight?  i got on stage during the second city show, we all laughed until we cried, we sat on the elbow of a bus, and we debuted our gloriously fake laughs.

details tomorrow.  maybe.

the old windy city

we are feeling immediately favorable towards the city of chicago after our first day!  here's why:

1. chicago has the feel of new york city city-ness but without the shoulder-to-shoulder people everywhere.
2. there are a number of cozy, english-inspired pubs that lend the city great character and an old classiness
3. folks seem quite friendly (i won't even say "for northerners," they really do seem amiable!)

logan and i made it to chicago around 3 p.m. and decided to wait at the airport for our friends carolyn and scott to arrive.  our flights were rather comfy though we did drive from huntsville, alabama up to nashville, tennessee only to catch a connecting flight back down to birmingham, then finally arriving in chicago.  but one of the many reasons i married logan is that he makes a fantastic travel partner.  we found a place to play wii bowling for a while and entertained ourselves in other ways as well.

the three blues brothers

SO we grabbed caro and scott, hopped the "L" (chicago metro) to our hotel, then set out for the evening.  we made a beeline for giordano's, one of chicago's famous pizza joints.  well this was just a stupendous idea!  we step inside the restaurant out of the blustery cold and the hostess lets us know that there is at least a one-hour wait to sit down.  i start scanning for the bar and logan gives the name "kennedy" for the waiting list.  

a large black man at the desk is like "no way, my last name is kennedy too!"  so i told him, duh, we must be related!  he proceeded to hug me and say we were first cousins.  well, obvi.  he then winks at the four of us and says that since we're family, he'll take care of us.  we laugh like "ok!  haha! let us know when our table's ready!" and went to the bar.  we had just ordered drinks when the hostess called our name over the speaker! omg!  we just gave her our name 5 minutes ago!  skipping merrily, we accepted our no-wait table and ordered an authentic deep dish pizza with pepperoni, jalapenos, and mushrooms.  

we slipped back into the cold to head over to the john hancock observatory and went all the way up to the 96th floor!  this is a neat experience if you've never been that high in a building before.  we went to the lounge and sat near a window.  carolyn and i took the liberty of ordering drinks for our men - raspberry white russian for scott and a caramel martini for logan.  

as a special treat for scott, he got a once-in-a-lifetime close encounter with some of the largest butt cleavage i've ever seen in my life.  

the tables and chairs in the lounge were all very close together so that maximum patrons could experience the coveted window view.  at the table very next to us sat a young woman with rather ample lady lumps.  i do not judge her size, i judge the fact that an inordinate amount of her body was outside the boundary of her clothing.  anyway, her back was to scott, but her chair was a mere foot from his, maybe less.  i watched her backside inch slowly but surely out of its denim prison and, just as scott leaned back in his chair, i motioned for him to look down.  evil victory!  but seriously people, if you've got junk in the trunk, high rise jeans are your best friend.

after an eventful evening, we headed back to our hotel to rest up for tomorrow!  i'll keep yall posted!

fashion freak?

raise your hand if you're a planner!

so the other night i was over at samantha and jessica's (our apartment neighbors) and they asked about our upcoming chicago vacay.  i said i was right in the middle of working up a nice little itinerary of things to do while we are there!  jessica burst into laughter.

red alert:  freak flag flying brilliantly at full mast, INITIATE DAMAGE CONTROL SEQUENCE!

"did i say itinerary?  because what i totally meant by 'itinerary' is that i might, you know, jot down some ideas here and there, maybe on a napkin or something.  i mean, haha, it's not like i'm making some sort of nerdy chart or something...how lame would that be? i'm not, like, some weirdo!"

note to self: do not EVER let jessica see my 3-day table complete with addresses, phone numbers, and metro stops of every location we are visiting.  especially do not share the forecasted trip budget.


so i made a few plans?  judge me.

a portion of my scrupulous planning has, of course, been dedicated to fashion.  how does one go about looking foxy in, say, 22-degree weather?

this is not foxy.

i know layering is key for keeping warm.  somehow, though, i am in a situation where i only own one long-sleeved shirt.  i have a few sweaters, but only one long-sleeved shirt.  i'm not sure how this happened, but if i had to guess i would say that i so obstinately oppose winter that i often refuse to buy winter-related clothes.

oh, winter, you want to come for a little visit?  well too bad!  i don't have appropriate outfits for you!

it comes anyway.

logan's solution to winter weather is Under Armour.  i do not amour the Armour.  i know it's supposed to be super warm, but who looks good in that stuff?  it's tight and spandexy.  i look like sausage links in Under Armour.

this is also not foxy.

i think i'm going to stick with some sensible cotton leggings and skinny jeans, long-sleeved shirt (1), sweater, sweater, sweatshirt, sweater, coat.  also, scarf, gloves, gloves, socks, socks, boots, earmuffs, hat. talk about a hottie mcbody!  literally and in the traditional sexy sense.  i'm still planning for logan and i to pack together in one carry-on, even if this means i have to wear several of my clothing items through security because the suitcase is too big.  t-minus one day til takeoff!  eeeep!

what a superfantastic deal!

have you ever run across an amazing deal somewhere?  did you feel as though this great opportunity was purposely placed in your life by a higher power so that you could experience a brief little jubilation over great savings?

a couple of months ago, our friend (and marryer!) adam zip told us about a limited offer from southwest airlines. they had fares as low as $30 one-way to great locations all around the u.s.  after some quick deliberating, we booked a way-cheap january getaway to chicago!

boy, was i sauntering around the apartment that night, giving logan that knowing, smirking smile.  "who gets all the great deals out there?  we do!  ha-ha!  we are soooo travel savvy and cool.  could we be any cooler?"  funny i should rhetorically ask myself that...

what were we thinking???  of course a plane ticket to chicago in the middle of january is cheap!  arrrgh!  oh, the sting of naivete.

so far, i am planning to declare war on cold weather by eating vast amounts of steamy hot, deep dish pizza.  our excellent friends (newly engaged!) carolyn and scott are meeting us up there this saturday.  i'm excited to spend time with them and explore a new city!  we will once again be packing in one carry-on so stay tuned!