i think the term "jaded" is a little strong ...

on tuesday night this week, i started a volunteer training class for a local nonprofit organization where i hope to soon donate my time and skillz that killz.

now, we have all at some point participated in a training class, meeting, seminar, etc.  no matter the location or subject, every time a group of people gather to learn or meet, there are a few characters who make us all want to ball up our fists and pound the table like an angry, crazed baboon.

in an effort to control our collective rage, i've created an index of these annoying people so we can all try to spot them right away and at the very least, sit far away from them.


nerve-nettler number 1:  the super mom

this woman treats my nerves like a giant block of

parmesan cheeseand grates them until they're crumbs.

how to spot:  super mom has a super bob haircut that bounces irritatingly every time she swings her head back and forth to see who's watching her.  she often has a matronly appearance with mom-jeans and school-printed sweatshirts, but carries oddly expensive accessories like a coach purse. in the winter, her jesus necklace hangs delicately out of the front cuff of her turtleneck.  cold - yes; unable to show love for jesus - NEVER.

profile:  this syrupy sweet supermom certainly doesn't have time for a job!  she's busy making appearances at target, lunch, and her kids' carpool pickup lane.  she subtly tells you what a great volunteer/humanitarian she is, how much her kids adore her, and how often she exercises while sprinkling in phrases of "it's really nothing!" and "it's so easy!"  gayer than a gay man, supermom's favorite saying is "everything's juss-greaaaat!  life is juss-greaaaaat!  lunch today was juss-greaaaat!"

why you hate her in meetings:  first of all, she chuckles constantly while rolling her head around to look at everyone in the room.  the presenter will say something generic like "well now that i've had enough coffee i suppose we can begin" and supermom is all "teeheeheeehahahahahalalaharhar"  BARFFFF SHUT UP!!!!!!!  she also looks for every opportunity to bring up her kids.

presenter: "for example, if you're a parent and your child comes home from school and says 'i hate my teacher' you might react a certain way..."

supermom: simultaneously raises hand and starts talking "oh THAT has happened to US before because my little Buffy came home one day and it was just a sight, i tell you what, but i tell you what i did - i got down to HER eye-level, that's important you know, and we just talked about it right then and there and ..."

shut uuuuuuuuppppppppp!  we all hate your kids!  and buffy/mango/beechwood/valentine is a stupid name for a child!

you know she's on speed.

nerve-nettler number 2:  the veteran

how to spot:  if he doesn't have his cape on, don't worry, you can still quickly pinpoint this one by the ever-present vainglorious look on his face.

profile:  the veteran has already taken the training, used to be in charge, or had some otherwise past importance.  he loves to tell you things you already know with a little smirking smile as though whatever he's sharing with you will quietly resonate in your brain and forever change your life.

"the early bird ... [dramatic pause] catches the worm......."

he likes to pop his head in the room periodically to spout these little nuggets of wisdom, then fade away like a phantom philosopher, congratulating himself on taking a moment to help educate these poor, mentally challenged imps in the training class.

why you hate him in meetings:  for some reason, the veteran has deluded himself into thinking that he has some rare, mythical knowledge when in reality, it's what we call common sense.  he's not actually part of the meeting/training, but he likes to sit in on them in order to perpetuate his own self-importance.  this actually happened in my training:

speaker:  "let me start by giving you all a little history of this organization..."

[veteran noisily enters room and stands at the back]

speaker:  "we began in 1985 with a purpose for.."

[veteran sighs loudly and smiles]

speaker:  "over the last two decades, we have grown to become..."

veteran:  "bonnie, can i interrupt you for just a moment?  greatthanks.  i would like to thank everyone for being here today, this is truly a great organization."

speaker:  "thank you, bert, for saying that.  now-"

veteran:  "would you like me to say a few words?"

speaker: "well-"

veteran: "i started volunteering here about a year ago blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

oh a year ago?!  why, you should have said so!  a whole year of twice-a-month experience?  gosh why aren't YOU running the training class?  oh wait, i guess if they wanted you to run it, you'd be running it.  please leave.  and less noisily this time.

nerve-nettler number 3:  miss i-dare-you-to-tell-me-i'm-wrong

i have no explanation for why she
dresses like a tranny.

how to spot:  she has a permanently raised eyebrow, poised for rebuttal at a moment's notice.  her lips are pursed so tightly that (during the meeting) you gaze at her and wonder if she eats and drinks everything through a straw...

profile:  this diva of defense would call herself a strong, independent woman.  not "kelly clarkson" independent, more like "real policewomen of dallas" independent.  she delivers every statement with accusation and a chicken neck.

why you hate her in meetings:  this specimen is especially excruciating to endure during informational, "housekeeping" types of gatherings.  a couple of times a year your supervisor calls a staff meeting to remind everyone to wash their coffee cup right after they use it or something else incredibly ordinary and routine.

supervisor:  "so, everyone, let's just remember that we work in a communal space..."

tranny:  "WHAT? WHAT IF I WANT ANOTHER CUPPA COAFFEE IN JUST A LITTLE WHYLE? YOU GONNA TELL ME I GOTTA WASH MY CUP TEN TYMES A DAY??  I AIN'T DOIN THAT.  YOU GONNA COME OVA HEE-YA AND TELL ME THAT? I DON'T THINK SO."

(new jersey accent?)

nerve-nettler number 4:  the i-know-the-person-presenting

kinda turned out like Quagmire.

how to spot:  during the mingle time just before a meeting begins, he's the guy making the most rounds trying to talk to as many people as possible before the presentation begins.  before he's silenced, he needs to make sure everyone knows that he knows the person presenting today.

profile:  whether he saw the presenter a few weeks ago at their kids' soccer game, works in the same department with the presenter, or had lunch with the presenter on his first day two years ago, this politician wants to go tell it on the mountain that he has a slightly more personal relationship with the presenter than you do.

why you hate him in meetings:  he laughs at random things the presenter says, as though they have some private, hilarious joke that he wishes he could share but, sorry, you weren't hanging out with them at the time.  and if the presenter needs any small assistance such as distributing handouts or flipping the lights, mr. i-know-the-presenter will use this opportunity to demonstrate how he and the presenter have first-name familiarity.

mrs. pinkins:  "now we'll move to a brief power point, can someone hit the lights?"

politician: [practically trips on himself running to the wall]  "oh, JAN, i've got that for ya, JAN."  [whispers loudly] "let me know if you need anything else, JAN."

mrs. pinkins:  "sometimes a graph is helpful in showing our quarterly numbers..."

politician:  [nodding and laughing]  "hahah .. oooooh.. ha .. know what you mean..."

nerve-nettler number 5:  the insipid inquirer

how to spot:  pens.  she has one. million. pens.  they're spilling out of her pockets and folders.

profile:  god, she's everywhere.  at every meeting and training, in class, in front of you in line at the store.  if there's a painfully simple or obvious way to do something, don't worry, she'll ask just to make sure.

why you hate her in meetings:  she literally turns back time.  her questions are so disgustingly inane that you writhe inside your very skin as the enraged shrieking in your head blurs your vision.

in a work benefits meeting, "should i fill out form 27-G in blue or black ink?  will my benefits change if i use one or the other?" (thanks mom).

in the Gap, "this red sweater is a 'small' but i need a 'medium,' are they still the same price?"

and my personal favorite .. the "what if some people...?"  the inquirer prefaces questions this way thinking that she is speaking for many people in the room who surely have the same concern/conflict. THEY DON'T.

in a staff meeting, "what if some people want to keep their grumpy kitten coffee cup on the left side of the sink?  instead of the far left?"

well that is one hell of an epidemic concern.  EVERYONE must be thinking that.  so glad she asked and as a by-product, made this meeting last another three and a half hours.

the insipid inquirer is a double-agent because she also plays the frenzied note-taker.  she writes down every. single. thing. the presenter says.  as her pens scratches furiously on the paper, you feel like an invisible nail is scratching furiously at your entire nervous system.

presenter: "empathetic listening is important for volunteers..."

[scratching]  ... empathetic ... listening ... is ... important ...


presenter:  "the bathrooms are located down that hall ..."

[scratching] ...they ... have ... bathrooms ... here  ... 

OH i forgot!  this is what i made out of pipe cleaners to help preserve my sanity the other night during training: